


NEVER GONNA TELL A LIE 2: Angsty Blond Wizard Boogaloo

by Mikkeneko



Category: Critical Role (Web Series), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicle
Genre: Alcohol, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Crack Crossover, Existential Worldstate Uncertainty, F/M, Inappropriate Humor, M/M, Other, Underage Drinking, lighthearted discussion of serious topics, spoilers for all series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-22
Updated: 2018-11-22
Packaged: 2019-08-27 19:41:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,462
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16708798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mikkeneko/pseuds/Mikkeneko
Summary: "I'm not a wizard," Ed pointed out, but the narrator ignored him.





	NEVER GONNA TELL A LIE 2: Angsty Blond Wizard Boogaloo

**Author's Note:**

> A revisiting of my old crack fic [Never Gonna Tell A Lie](https://archiveofourown.org/works/496147), a silly metahumor crossover starring Fai, Subaru, Kanda, and Loki getting together to drink away their sorrows. Now with all-blond, all-wizard edition, don't believe what Edward tries to tell you.

 

The multiverse was taking its time spinning back up again after the last reset, the last round of reality-shattering cataclysms that had had crashed its way through the dimensional plane and then been rolled back. Fai wasn't entirely up on all of the details (something about an Infinity Gauntlet?) but he'd been through this routine enough times to know that nobody was going anywhere tonight. 

He had chosen to hole up in a small interdimensional watering hole with three other blond wizards who'd found themselves stranded until the timelines came unpaused. Kurogane and Syaoran, he knew, were off browsing the wares on offer at the three-millennium flea market, but Fai had stared into the abyss enough times in his life to know when it was time to get well and thoroughly shitfaced. 

"So," he said brightly. "It's Happy Hour, and the drinks are half-price and literally bottomless. Literally, I saw the enchantment. Who wants to play a game?" 

"I'm up for anything," said the man in the feathered jacket. He had dark blond hair in a ponytail, a stubborn ginger five-o-clock shadow, and he'd brought with him a strange twining staff that was currently wedged awkwardly into the bar's coatrack. "How about you? Caleb, Edward?" 

"I am amenable, ja," said the second man, a seedy strawberry blond in a long coat even dirtier than his seatmate's. He had an orange tabby cat winding around his shoulders which Anders was determinedly attempting to pet. 

"You guys know I'm too young to drink, right?" pointed out the last patron, a young man in his late teens with a surprisingly powerful build despite his diminutive height. His eyes and hair were both a striking gold color that stood out in the tavern's low light, as he glared at the narrator for insulting his height in the last paragraph. 

"Legal in my country," Fai said. 

"We don't even have a drinking age," Anders said. 

"I'm kind of a career criminal," Caleb said.  
  
Ed looked from one adult to the other, then shrugged his broad shoulders. "Why the fuck not," he said. "All right, what's the game?"  
  
"Marvelous!" Fai said brightly. "We're playing Never Have I Ever. The idea is that we all start with a row of shots, and we go around the table and say something that we have never done. If someone else at the table _has_ done it, they have to drink. Then it's the next person's turn, and so on."  
  
"What if you've done it, too? Whatever it that you're saying you've never done," Edward said.  
  
Fai clapped a hand to his heart and affected a wounded expression. "Are you suggesting that I would _lie?"_ he exclaimed. "I'm shocked, really, I'm shocked and _appalled_."  
  
Anders raised a hand. "In the interests of fairness, I should probably tell you guys that Justice can always tell when someone's lying."  
  
Fai laughed brightly. "Fair enough," he said. "Then you have to drink too, of course. You can if you want to, I'm just not really sure why you would when the object of the game is to be the last person standing at the end of the round."  
  
"I thought the object of the game was to get roaring drunk enough to forget all the unholy things that we haf seen," Caleb murmured.  
  
"That too, of course," Fai said. "So! Who wants to start?"

"It's your game," Anders said. "Take it away." The others nodded assent. 

"All right then," Fai said. He sat back, tapping one black-gloved finger against his lips. "Hmm. Where to start?" 

Across the table, Anders was attempting to entice Frumpkin to come over to him with a slice of rather withered jerky, and the sight inspired him. "I've never," he announced, "used a cat as an emotional support animal." 

Anders grimaced, then picked up a shot and drank. Caleb nodded judiciously, as if to say 'fair,' and followed suit. 

"I had to drink, so I will go next," Caleb said. "I've never worn a skirt." 

Fai grinned and knocked back a shot, as did Anders again. "I've never served in the military," Fai said. 

Ed and Caleb both drank. Anders hesitated. "Does this have to be _the_ military, as in, the national or federal military?" he said. "Or just any military service, in general." 

"If you wore a uniform and had a rank and fought in a battle it counts," Fai said. 

Anders took the shot. "Hell of a lot better than my last conscription drink," he muttered. 

"I haf never…" Caleb paused and thought. "I haf never instigated a rebellion against a lawful government." 

" _Yet,"_   Ed muttered as he, Anders and Fai all took the shot. 

"I've never set my own house on fire," Fai said. 

"Oh, _fuck you."_ Ed and Caleb drank, and Anders groaned as he drank again. 

"Maker, lay off me already," he exclaimed. He was already halfway through his row of shots. 

Fai smirked at him. "That's just the rules, Mister Rebel With A Cause," he said. 

Anders sat up straight, and a dangerous smile flickered over his face and was gone. "All right, if you want to play, let's play," he said. He leveled a glare across the table. "I've never seen one of my own parents die in front of me." 

Fai and Caleb drank, Caleb with a glassy-eyed look that indicated he had just barely failed a wisdom save. "Oh, we're doing this are we?" Edward said sourly as he drank. "Fine. I've never been disowned by my own parent." 

Anders drank, as did Fai. There was a retaliatory gleam in his eye as he set down the shot. "I've never _killed_ my own parent," he countered. 

"I've never," Caleb said a little too loudly, slamming down his last shot. "I've never made a diabolical bargain against the laws of nature to try to save a sibling." 

Ed and Fai both dutifully drank. "I've never," Fai said, and the table held its breath as they waited to see what he would come out with next. "I've never been a fugitive from the law." 

"The hell you haven't," Anders objected vehemently, and Fai laughed brightly as the others all made faces and drank. "Look, you can't just pick super-common everyday things you know we've all done, like 'eaten bread' or 'killed a man' or 'been horribly betrayed by a father figure' or whatever. Pick something else." 

Fai thought deeply for a long moment. "I've never gotten a parking ticket." 

A collective groan went around the table. "For the last time, Fai!" Anders said loudly. "Stop using that one! None of us can even _drive!_   Most of us don't even come from worlds that have cars! _Including yours!"_  

"It's traditional for this game!" Fai defended his choice. Unnoticed by the others, Edward contemplated his mug of beer for a moment, then drank. The smaller man was definitely feeling the hit of all the alcohol that had been consumed thus far in the game, and he flipped the bird to the narrator for insulting his height again. 

By unspoken accord the game was put on hold for a few minutes as they flagged down the bartender for another round of shots. Anders was ahead of the rest of them with six, but the others were not far behind with five each. At Anders' insistence -- with a somewhat concerned glance at Edward -- they ordered a bowl of peanuts to soak some of the effects of the alcohol, since the next round looked like it was going to be a doozy. 

"All right." Ed said through cheeks stuffed squirrel-full with peanuts. "I've never… been in love with a man." 

"You haven't?" Fai looked astonished. "The internet tells me otherwise, my little friend." 

"Doujinshi and fanfics do _not_   count," Ed said, with a scowl and heated glare for the 'little' comment. "Or else we'll all be dead of alcohol poisoning by page three." 

Fai acknowledged that was fair enough, and he and Anders both drank. "Whereas I," Fai announced as he put down his drink, "have never been in love with a woman." 

Caleb drank, Ed drank, and Anders stuck his knuckles in his eyes. _"Was is falsch?"_ Caleb asked him. 

"It's not false, I'm just experiencing a moment of critical existential uncertainty," Anders muttered. "I… don't actually know whether I should drink for this one or not. It depends on the worldstate?" 

"We'll spot you this one," Fai soothed him. 

"I've never been in prison," Ed announced, getting the game back on track. All three of the older men downed their drinks. "Really? Should I be concerned? I feel like you lot are bound to be a bad influence on me." 

"You are a bad enough influence on your own," Caleb mumbled. "I've never been in solitary." 

Fai and Anders both drank, Anders downing a second one without even being prompted, apparently all too ready to drink that particular memory away. 

"I've never blown up a building," Fai said with a sly glance at Anders. Anders rolled his eyes, but drank. So did Ed. Caleb contemplated his glass. 

"Are ships buildings?" he asked. 

"I'm inclined to say they count," Fai said, and Caleb nodded. "Ja, okay. Ask me again after next Thursday." 

"Blow up _one building_   and they never let you live it down," Anders grumbled. "Okay. I've never traveled between dimensions." 

"Technically, we all had to in order to come here," Caleb said.

"Yes, but  _in the canon,"_   Anders shot back, and looked pointedly over at Fai.

"I feel like that one was aimed at me in particular," Fai said as he drank, but to his surprise Ed downed one too. "Really?" 

"Movie still counts," Ed said glumly. "Unfortunately. Okay, how's this. I've never had my memory magically modified against my will." 

" _So ein Misthaufen,"_   Caleb muttered as he drank. 

"Yeah, yeah, _leck mich."_ Ed said with the assurance of a sixteen-year-old who had spent his formative years in a German-inspired military. Fai snorted into his own drink. Anders hesitated, hand on drink, but decided ultimately that the worldstates exemption still applied. 

Caleb muttered something too German and quiet for the narrator to catch, then raised his voice. "I've never… drunken blood," he said with a pointed glare at Fai. 

"Drank  blood, but okay fair point." Fai took the drink with good grace. "On the other hand, I've never used blood as a component in a spell." Anders and Caleb both drank. 

"I've never cast a spell in the first place," Ed commented, and received three stares of varying levels of disbelief. "What? I haven't!" 

"I've _seen_   you," Anders objected. "You pose and do that hand-clapping thing, and then pull whatever-the-fuck it is you want out of the ground, or a dozen other things. That's _magic."_  

"It's not magic, it's alchemy!" Ed said. 

"Transmutation is an entirely valid wizard specialization," said Caleb, the transmutation wizard who was entirely valid in his choice of specialization. 

"It's _science!"_ Ed objected. "It's chemistry! I can't just turn anything into anything at will, I would need to have the right ingredients first --" 

"Material components, right," Caleb nodded. 

"Material components are a _joke,_ " Anders muttered, and Caleb gave him a little glare. 

" -- and use the inherent properties of the elements to effect a change in the state of the world around me according to strictly defined laws and rules! Science!" Ed said vehemently. 

"Ja, sounds like magic to me," Caleb said, and Anders and Fai both nodded agreement. "We established this in the last fic." 

"Technically that was about Shintoism and Asgardian tech," Fai said for the benefit of the people who hadn't read the last fic, "but the principle still applies. If it effectively behaves like magic, it's magic, regardless of whether the localization uses another word for it." 

" _Ugh,"_   Edward said with a deeply ingrained philosophic revulsion to magic, and took his drink. "You guys are all fuckers." 

"Guilty," Anders said. 

"Ja," Caleb agreed. 

"Yep!" Fai said cheerfully. 

"I don't know why I even hang out with you people," said the short man. "Will you fucking _stop that!"_   he snapped, glaring up at the narrator. "I'm going to come out there and kick your ass if you don't stop." 

Just then a deep, multi-toned alarm blared from outside the shop, a signal that the multiverse had finished resetting and world-walking was possible again. Ed stuffed his fingers in his ears, sufficiently distracted from threats of violence against the narrator, and the others looked around and checked the time. 

"Well, this has been fun, but I think I have thoroughly exhausted my social graces for the day," Caleb said, getting up from the table and dusting down his coat. "I still have more canon content to produce after all, unlike the rest of you." 

 _"Tsubasa World Chronicle_ is still going!" Fai objected, but not very convincing. 

"Don't look at me, I've been retired since 2004," Edward said. "Or is it 2010? Man these parallel serial formats are confusing." 

"Have fun with your… whatever it is you do, Caleb!" Anders said with a cheery wave. "The rest of us will just stay here and finish the game without you." 

Edward rested his head in his hands, elbows on the tabletop. "How does this game actually _end?"_   he groaned. 

"Historically, it ends when we all get so drunk we pass out and our respective partners have to come and peel us off the floor," Fai said. 

"Oh, okay," Ed mumbled. " 'M sure Winry won't mind that _at all."_  

"Great! Sounds like how I spent most of my twenties," Anders said cheerily. "You could stay and play until the end, Caleb. Hang out with us until your love interest comes to get you. Oh, wait," and the smile on his face turned vulpine. "You don't _have one."_  

"Okay, yes, we are done here," Caleb said stiffly. He snapped his fingers and his cat reappeared on his shoulders, much to the crestfallen dismay of Anders. He turned and walked to the door of the interdimensional pub, and just as he pulled it open a knock began to sound on the door. 

Standing on the other side, one hand still held up to knock, was a beautiful, fabulously dressed young man with pale blond hair and glassy green eyes. He had a matching green earring, shiny pointed black boots, and a blue-and-pink checked coat that made Caleb faintly dizzy just to look at it. 

He squinted at the apparition, not feeling up to dealing with that much sparkle on seven shots of Jaegermeister. "Haven't I met you someone before?" 

"Hello, am I in the right place for the angsty blond wizard's drinking club?" Howl said cheerfully. "Sorry I'm late, I was waiting for my hair dye to set --" 

Caleb slammed the door in his face. 

 

* * *

 

 

~end.

**Author's Note:**

> Was is falsch? = What's wrong?  
> So ein Misthaufen = This is bullshit  
> Lech mich = Bite me


End file.
